Dear ________,
you know who you are. Since I have been home you have been the first thing on my mind everyday all day long. It is starting to get rather annoying actually. I wish that i understood my infatuation with you. I honestly think that you are the one for me. I am so unbelievably in love with you and it breaks my heart. My head knows that you are no good for me, but my heart just will not listen. I have been trying for the last 4 years to cut you out of my life but i keep running back to you. You are the only person that can make me laugh no matter what. Even when its you that makes me cry. And no one has made me cry more than you have. And you have such a power over me. I know that I act like I am such a strong, self confident person but I put on a great show. There are only about 2 people in the world that know the real me. I am a self-conscious, shy person at heart. But I know that I love you and that eventually i want to spend the rest of my life with you. We live 9 hours apart from each other right now so there is no way that we could even fathom being in any type of a relationship right now. But you are the only person that I would be truly happy with right now. You just have that hold on me and I have no idea why. I hate you and love you at the same time. We are just not in the right places in our lives to be together right now. I question my decision to cut you out of my life everyday. I wonder if by my cutting you out I am jeopardizing out potential future together. But even though I wonder that, I have to ask myself if that is even a plausible future for us. Like could we really actually end up together? All I know is that part of me has wanted that since I was 16 and you broke my heart into a million pieces. And since you have broken my heart so badly, I have spent these past 4 years finding all of the pieces and trying to put myself together again. And my ex-bf really helped me with that. He pretty much put me back together again minus one piece. But that one piece of my heart will always belong to you. A part of my will always, no matter how much I try, belong to you and only you. Even though you make me cry, you make me hate myself for everything you have put me through and for every thing I have done for you that I would have NEVER done for anyone else. I love you. A little over a year ago, I wrote you a letter saying that I would rather be frustrated with you in my life than miserably w/o you in my life. And I still mean every word of that letter, but in a different way. Right now, I need you in my life as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. But you are not capable of simply being my friend, and that is why we have not spoken for almost a year. I wish that you were able to understand that. And I am not as strong as Grace so be able to off-put your “baby I miss you” comments and to just be your friend. Because I am still soooo in love with you to the core of my being. If you were able to simply be my friend, which I know that your not because I have tried for the past 2 years, then we could still be apart of each other’s lives. There are so many songs that make me think about you. When I’m home, there isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t think about you. I guess all I’m trying to say is that I love you with everything I am and I hope that one day we can make good on what you told me when we were 16/17, that you would marry me.
Love,
Me
